American Beauty

lasers are no match for Wonder Woman, as seen at MAC Cosmetics

The things we do for beauty. Ladies, it’s insane.

Plucking, tweezing, coloring, waxing, risking life and limb twice a year for the Clinique free gift with purchase. And now laser hair removal.

I won a laser hair removal treatment at a charity function last year. Decided to use it for my underarms. It’s painful, but it works. So I’m hooked.

My nurse Suzanne tried to upsell me. Bikini line, she said. The final frontier.

How nice, I fantasized, not to have to shave there ever again.

So I scheduled my appointment, opened my wallet, took my Tylenol and a deep breath, and went in.

The first bikini line treatment wasn’t so bad. What had I been afraid of? Although I must say I don’t know how you women who get Brazilians do it.

Four or so weeks later I entered the clinic again, so confident I didn’t even take my Tylenol this time.

“We have a new machine,” said Suzanne.

That was foreshadowing, in case you missed it.

“Really?” I said. “Let’s get this party started.” Famous last words.

The new machine was a prototype of medieval torture. A devil-fire stingray, it attached to my thighs and vacuumed my flesh. Hard.

“Ow!” I nearly jumped off the table as Big Shot by Billy Joel played over the intercom. I am not kidding. Not even I could make that up.

“Tell me again, why did you switch to this machine?”

“It’s less painful,” said Suzanne.

“Who did you survey?!” I said. “Ow!”

“Who did we survey. That’s funny,” she said.

At least one of us was laughing. I made it through the treatment. I can’t say the same for the squishy foam stress balls Suzanne gave me I squeeze for pain management.

As I left the clinic, the receptionist asked if I needed an ice pack.

“No,” I said. A psychological evaluation maybe, but an ice pack? No.

Why do we do this? We know it’s a losing battle. Must we hang on to every ounce of attractiveness to the bitter end?

Honest answer to that question? Yes. Notice I’m not chiding you. I’m knee-deep in Oil of Olay with you.

Ain’t nothing wrong with looking good.

We can look fierce on the outside. So how about inside?

The answer to that question is also yes. Beauty on the inside comes through a great deal of pain and suffering too. More than we could ever bear.

But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5 NIV

To hear Beautiful by Mercy Me on YouTube, click here. Kapow!

Special thanks to Sam Mendes, Alan Ball and cast for American Beauty. Like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

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7 Comments

Filed under humor, women's studies

7 Responses to American Beauty

  1. Daniel Watson

    Cuz, I have to say that this was the funniest one yet. hahaha And Billy Joel? Blech :P

  2. Daniel Watson

    that grinning face wasn’t supposed to be grinning… hmmm…

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