A Firm Foundation

Recently one morning, I was upstairs getting dressed. Something wasn’t right. Couldn’t place it at first. Just felt different. Off-kilter.

Didn’t take long to realize it was my bra. Looked like it had a flat on one side. Upon closer inspection, it was apparent the underwire was missing from the deflated half.

How did the underwire get out? And where was it now?

image used with permission from Kim Powell

I must interrupt this saga to tell you this was no ordinary bra. No, sir. I had tired of ordinary bras months ago.

It couldn’t have been that my old bras had simply worn out. No, that couldn’t have been it. Surely I’d been wearing the wrong size and the wrong bras. I needed a professional fitting by an expert.

Two of my BFFs talked up a lingerie shop in the ritzy part of town.

“Oh, they’re good,” said Peaches ‘n Cream. “They’ll fit you perfectly!”

“And their stuff is beautiful,” said Strawberry Blonde.

“They’re expensive,” said Peaches.

image from my kitchen sink

“But totally worth it,” said Strawberry.

“At least go in and get the fitting,” said Peaches, “and buy one there.”

“Then go to TJ Maxx to buy more,” said Strawberry.

Eureka! No more wimpy straps, pinching hooks and eyes, or dull, lifeless cups. I was going bra shopping uptown.

Peaches and Strawberry were right. The shop was delicious. Beautiful, tasteful undergarments. A perfect fitting. Expensive bras. And so convenient.

My husband had been trying to convince me of the worth of my time. How much was it worth for me to drive all over the city searching for cheaper options when I could be done in one easy, albeit expensive, trip?

So I bought a bra. And I bought another. And one more for good measure. I’d never spent so much on undergarments before. I walked out confident I’d gotten it right this time. I had what I needed and was finished in less than an hour. Could I ever lead The Glamorous Life!

You can understand my brief state of shock the morning the bra blew out.

“Honey,” I said. “Can you come upstairs for a minute?”

captain underwire

“Yes?” he said.

“Did you see a thin wire thingy floating around in the laundry?” I said.

Silence.

“The underwire has escaped from this bra,” I said.

Silence. Poor man. Grew up with all brothers.

“What does it look like?” he finally said.

He retrieved the underwire from the laundry. It had mischievously punctured its encasement and slipped out. I repaired the bra best I could.

It doesn’t matter where you get it, how it comes to you, or even how much it costs you. What matters is how it holds up. How it does its job. How true it is to its purpose. The moral of the story? You’re sunk without a firm foundation.

“These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundational words, words to build a life on. If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit—but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.” Matthew 7:24-25 The Message, from a parable of Jesus

Michael Card sings the timeless hymn How Firm a Foundation with a Celtic twist. Someone called Beanscot set the song to pictures with an American twist. Melodramatic, but let yourself watch. You may end up teary-eyed like I did.

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16 Comments

Filed under humor, women's studies

16 Responses to A Firm Foundation

  1. Jena

    I laughed out loud after reading this Aimee! Too true, too true.

  2. So true and so HILARIOUS Aimee! Being a well-endowed woman, I can fully (ha) appreciate and relate to this dilemma. The girls must be secured; droopy simply will not do… MOPS taught me that Nordy’s is THE place for bra fittings. They actually train their staff in how to correctly measure the ladies…for, um, the ladies. So. I always go to Nordy’s to check my size (since weight and babies make me fluctuate so stinkin’ much) and then I happily prance off to Macy’s or Penny’s for a BOGO deal or something like that. Nordy’s does have excellent clearance too. And just ’cause I love both Nordy’s and my girls, I buy them there too in payment for their phenomenal service when I can afford it. I mean, let’s face it, you don’t feel you when your foundation is off balance… :)

    “How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord…” he he he he…

    • Tiffany, I’m glad you enjoyed this one. When I was in the process of writing it, I showed Jeff the picture of captain underwire and told him the tentative title of the post. We literally laughed out loud. So fun! Thanks for the tip on Nordy’s. Big or small, getting the basics right still matters in bras and life.

  3. haha! Picturing Jeff’s face totally made me laugh :) But yes, a good bra is an absolute MUST. 3 babies in 4.5 years kinda, um, wrecked things.

    Did your rewiring fix it good enough to keep wearing it?

    Good to know about Nordstrom, Tiff!

    • Picturing Jeff that morning still makes me laugh. The jerry-rig job I did to the bra is holding so far, although the rebel underwire has tried to make a break for it while I was wearing it. Alas its pinch is a dead giveaway. I simply push it back down into its place so it pushes me back up into mine. :)

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  5. Chris

    Aimee, I am a MU college friend of Jeffs I enjoy reading what you write.

    Chris

  6. Oh, that is too funny! I think we’ve all had similar situations where things need ‘adjustment’.

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  8. Oh, why did I not see this post before!!! You had me rolling on the floor… my bras do this all the time. I was since advised you’re not supposed to put them in the washer, rather, wash them with body soap as you shower at the end of the day. So far, so good for me… it just feels really stupid to get in the shower still wearing it.
    And I have an especially small number to work with… can’t find my size at a decent style/price here, so I have to get my mom to ship them from Hungary!

    • Aimee

      Nusy, now you have me rolling on the floor! I know I’m not supposed to put them in the washing machine, but I didn’t know I was supposed to wash them in the shower while wearing them! Lol. Answers the question who has the time to hand wash lingerie? No one, apparently! Why don’t they put THAT on the label?! :/

      • I actually got that advice from a friend working at Victoria’s Secret…. apparently *this* is the secret of Victoria. :D The key is the mild detergent (body wash), combined with comfortably warm water, and daily washing. Supposedly. I very recently switched to the method, so I still feel something ridiculous stepping in… we’ll see if my deterioration rate drops over the next few months!

        • Aimee

          That is so interesting to me. I’m wondering, do you let alternate what bra you wear each day so the other one has time to dry? And yes, this very well could be the secret of Victoria! Classified information…